“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.