When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
#winning
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.