A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
You Might Also Like
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
So sick of all these stupid rules
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake