*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I get distracted pretty eas
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My birthstone is kidney
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.