“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard