You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
You Might Also Like
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Born to be mild.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are