me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me too 😆
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”