Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“I FIXED IT!”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now