What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
nyc:
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”