asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag