I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go