I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I ate everything, including the H.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall