[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL