Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.