If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
TRAIN’S HERE
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?