We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*