Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
You Might Also Like
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool