Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.