Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Good morning
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.