Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Monday Lisa
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary