Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.