My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
the official breakfast of 2021
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning