[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
(by @ZachWeiner )
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.