If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
just having fun