“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Is your wife single?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now