I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally