Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.