I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Cannot stop laughing at this
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.