DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.