I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
You Might Also Like
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.