You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m crying im so happy for them
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Don’t forget to tip your server