Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings