Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*