[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.