Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Why is everyone getting married at me
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]