I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.