[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
i’m still crying at this
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?