Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
handsome & gretel
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My dog ate my work from home.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Challenge accepted.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Oh hi lol
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”