One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Need WebMD
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I saw nothing
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.