I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
That’s fair
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.