I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*jazz hands*
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?