i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?