[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
twitter is a journey
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.