Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
You Might Also Like
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid