In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Smooooooth
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.