Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.