COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
But I really needed water water water