Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
So that’s what we looked like?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”