My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
mariah carrie
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job