I have a type: disappointing
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
<- sleeps well with others
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]